Reader Question

December 17, 2010

Congrats on your little boy! I just love reading your blog…it’s so inspiring to see what a great outlook you have on life and love. I have a question—and maybe it’s too personal!—but how did you initially feel about your unexpected pregnancy? Was there a time when you felt overwhelmed by it? I also had a complete surprise pregnancy and I know it almost felt wrong to be anything but excited about it—but I definitely was not at first.

Thanks for your great writing!

-Lauren

Whew. This question. It’s been something I’ve been trying to put words around for a while now. My greatest hope for this blog is that my children are able to read it when they are older and somehow are able to grasp the magnitude with which their father and I love them. And so writing this post has been difficult because I never want my son to think we were anything less than thrilled with the news that he would be joining our family.

But I’m going to be completely honest about this experience because as I reflect on these months since learning I was pregnant again, I’ve realize that there is so much beauty in the journey thus far.

When I saw a positive sign on the pregnancy test, I felt all of the blood rush out of my head. I had to sit down. I felt like throwing up. and more than anything, I just felt numb.

I walked outside where Brent and Everly were swinging on the front porch. “Well, it was positive” I said, as he knew that I bought a box of tests earlier in the day. He looked at me. He looked at Everly. He said nothing.

I sat down on the porch floor. We were quiet for a long time.

I made him promise not to tell anyone. We didn’t talk about it for the rest of the evening but the heaviness of it hung over us. and it stayed. The weight of worry. The thickness of “what if”

My head raced with questions - Can we afford another baby? How will this work with our current work schedules? Brent is in the midst of recording a new album, I’m traveling for work often, Everly is keeping us so busy - how can we juggle two children? Am I prepared mentally or physically to go through this again so soon?

We had always planned to have our children close together, but had thought closer to 22 -24 months apart would give us enough time to create a plan for our work/finance/personal schedules to accommodate a new member of the family.

For weeks, other than taking a prenatal vitamin every night, we pretended that things were just as they always were.

With each passing day, the worry was compounded by guilt. Guilt that I wasn’t celebrating this new little life the way we did with Everly. Guilt that we weren’t making plans and dreaming and sharing it with our family and friends. Guilt that I was pretending like this new baby didn’t exist.

We prayed a lot. Over the weeks, we began to talk more about the baby. We watched videos of a tee tiny Everly and began to feel excited. And I found perspective as I watched one of my dear friends venture into her first pregnancy after a 3 year battle with infertility. I reveled in her joy, her anticipation, her excitement and I realized just how damn lucky we were to be blessed with a child to begin with - and now, here we were with a second opportunity.

I’ve been very introspective about this pregnancy. I’ve thought long and hard about the why and the how. About how many things had to occur just so to make it possible. Brent found his inner peace even earlier than I did. Despite his worries over how we’ll make it all work, he was always there to comfort me and say “We’ll do what we’ve got to do. This is going to be awesome!”

This little boy has been part of our plan from the very start. Whether we knew it or not. He was meant to share our lives every bit as much as Everly. He is our gift and although it took some time to fully wrap ourselves around the idea of another child, my anticipation of his arrival is now filled with optimism.

Everyday, I am feeling him move more and more. And unlike my pregnancy with Everly, I now fully comprehend the joy a child brings into this world. As a mother, I get it. and so I find my love for him intensifying hourly. I often say small prayers to God, thanking Him for making this possible, despite our resistance.

Last night as we laid in bed, Brent put his hands on my belly. It was a welcome return to a familiar ritual for us. I moved his hand low and to the right and said “He’s moving right here.” A moment later Brent’s voice raced with excitement as he said “Was that him!?” “yes” I said in the dark. Even with my back to him, I could feel the energy from his smile.

I am reminded again that life will unfold itself as it should, despite our best efforts to force it where we think it should go. And so, we follow. We allow ourselves to be swept up in God’s Will and open ourselves to the true grace and beauty of our situation.

A new life. A new reason. A little boy for us.

Love,