Letters to Arlo.

January 23, 2012

Dear Arlo,

I was reading a beautiful story by another blogger last week when I was stopped abruptly by these words:

“God makes children so specifically for us, each of them.” ~Arianna Segerman

It called on me to sit down and write this to you. Before you were born, I carried some assumptions about parenting. For one, that going through it once already meant I knew what I was doing. I took a lot for granted. My babies would be completely healthy. My babies would eat and sleep and do what all the best babies do.

And you were ten days old when I realized that I was completely wrong. We spent the next six months of your life being told that things weren’t right. We didn’t sleep. You cried and I cried. You were diagnosed with five different conditions, some minor some major. We learned pretty quickly that we needed to make big adjustments to our attitude and our way of life. During all of this, I spent a lot of time rationalizing things with God. I asked him why my son had to deal with these things. What had I done to cause this? I found one thousand different ways to blame myself for your troubles.

One day, as I sometimes do, I scrolled back through my blog and landed on a letter I had written to you before you were born. These were my words:

“Sometimes I sit quietly with my hands on either side of my belly and feel you move. I feel the hardness of your little hands and feet as you push against me and I am overcome with peace. Your presence there inside me, envelops me head to toe with the deepest of faiths. In the same way in which I have learned to follow God, In the way I have learned to make a life with your father, In the way I have learned to care for your sister - with that same faith I will trust you to come into this world in your own individual way.

And I will keep brushing away the preconceived notions of who you will be - those unfounded comments on what I should expect - because I feel you speaking to me already. And with every roll of my belly, you say to me “I am here, becoming. And I will be the exact boy you need in your life, mama. No more or no less”

Without knowing it at the time, I was writing to my future self, sending words that she would find when her baby boy was 5 months old. They were written, somewhat naively, but with conviction and when I found them again, they settled down on me like a thick sweater. I read them over and over, getting comfortable with the realization that you are the exact boy, the only boy, that could grow my soul and teach my heart. From your unexpected addition to our family, to your beautiful birth and the ups and downs of the months since- I am constantly reminded that God handpicked you as my son. He chose perfectly, but then again, He always does.

God knew I could use a little humility. God knew our family could use a little magic. And so he created a son for us who could give both. While I wish you never had to deal with any of these physical challenges for even a day, I have learned to marvel at your ability to be slowed by nothing. You are a force, little boy!

I was right, you know, when I wrote those words to you. I knew it then and you’ve proven it now. You will always be the exact boy I need in my life. No more and no less.

Love,

Mama