Dear Baby

Toddler Discipline. Tactics for Raising A Well Behaved Child. Effective Methods for Managing your Toddler. How to Get Your Point Across To A Tiny Person Who (Mostly) Can’t Be Reasoned With.

I’m just going to put it out there.

I don’t know the first thing about disciplining Everly. Even the word discipline makes me cringe because it doesn’t sound like the right word. In fact, I know it’s not - what I’m trying to say is, when it comes to teaching her right from wrong, dealing with negative behaviors, etc, Brent and I are totally flying by the seat of our pants.

The things we do know (or think we do at least): Lead by example. Ignore (when appropriate)/react minimally to negative behaviors and praise positive behaviors. And also, time out. When all else fails, there’s always time out.

I feel like this is our most challenging stage of parenthood to date. Everly has quickly morphed into this little person with opinions and taste and an ability to vocalize her needs and desires. She’s become super perceptive and is also discovering her own limits, boundaries and abilities within our family structure. So often I feel like we have to walk the fine line between teaching her what is appropriate/safe/respectful & encouraging her own feelings/creativity/exploration.

Even within our united force of parenthood, Brent and I have debates as to what is the right thing to do. Just this week we had a disagreement regarding sidewalk chalk. I asked him to reinforce with Everly that we only use sidewalk chalk on the sidewalk and not on our metal lanterns, the front porch table, our rocking chairs, etc. His response ” I don’t want to limit her creativity by giving her rules on where she can and can’t draw” Me: “I see what you’re saying, but isn’t it important to teach her to respect and take care of her things?” Brent : “Yes,  but they’re just things. and it can wash off.” Me: “You and I can reason that, but what if it was a black marker and our couch. Is it okay then?”  AND ROUND AND ROUND WE GO.

We both value and want to encourage our daughter’s spirit, but we also want her to be respectful to herself and to others. We want to teach our children to seek out answers and challenge authority when something doesn’t feel right but we also want them to listen to and abide by our requests and rules and respect her teachers, family, friends and elders. We want all the creativity and wonder without the unruliness or recklessness.

How do we get both? We constantly ask ourselves. There are no guarantees or fool proof methods - and just as with everything else, every child’s needs, personality and desires will vary, even within the same household. What might work for Everly, may not for Arlo - even at this early stage in the game, it’s a constant practice of trial-evaluate-adjust.

Many of you commented on the value of the article I linked to on Friday. It has been immensely helpful to us in communicating effectively with our daughter and your comments make me think (hope?) that some of you are going through a similar experience.

All in all, (and I can say this with only a week’s foot in the door to parenting a 2 year old) Everly has been easy on us. Sure she cries sometimes when something doesn’t go her way, and she can be in a MOOD after she wakes up from her afternoon nap - but for the most part she’s a pleasant, happy-go-lucky little girl.

Despite our luck with navigating tantrums, we’ve found more challenges in her fearlessness.  She is wide open and loves to climb on things, hide inside things, and explore new environments. This requires Brent and I to constantly anticipate situation/places that could be dangerous and we do our best to explain to her why she can’t do something that could hurt her, without scaring her.

Two weeks ago, she hid from me in the house one morning while Brent was on the back porch breaking down some boxes. He had the back door open and after a minute or two of calling for her without an answer, I asked Brent if she had come outside with him. “No, not that I noticed” he said back. We went into panic mode and we spent the next 5 minutes frantically searching and yelling her name inside and outside the house.  I finally found her standing dead still and silent behind Arlo’s bedroom door with a smirk on her face. I drop to my knees and wrapped my arms around her. “Oh Everly! Please don’t hide from mommy. When I call your name, you have to answer me, ok? It’s so important. You scared mommy and daddy very very much.” I ran to the door with her, “I found her!” I yelled to Brent. He dropped to the ground and just laid there for a minute before coming inside. She had never done such a thing before and I think it scared us more than we cared to admit. What if she would have gotten outside? Someone could have taken her. She could have been hit by a car. All the worst scenarios run through your head in moments like that.

At the time, I was at a loss as to how to deal with the situation. Do I put her in time out and explain why? Do I stop fighting back the tears I was holding to show her that it upset me? I did neither - just sat on the couch holding her and telling her she has to answer when mommy or daddy call her name because it makes us sad and scared when we can’t find her.

More than anything, we just want to find a balance in dealing with these challenges- An approach that allows us to encourage her individualism while allowing us to create and enforce boundaries and rules when appropriate. We know that our tactics will have to change a thousand times between now and the day she moves out of our home but we want our children to know that we respect them, even if we don’t agree with or allow the behaviors that they are exhibiting.

If any of you out there have a similar parenting belief and have any resources you’d like to share, I’m all ears.

Love,

M