Dear Baby

itsallinmyhead asked: hi! i'm curious how you feel about being a working mom & brent a sahd. my husband is self-employed & takes care of our baby part-time. i'm a working mom & earn a larger income. i'm so grateful to be employed, able to support my family, & not have to send my baby to day care, but honestly, it's killing me. i want nothing more than to stay at home and raise my little guy. i try to keep things in perspective and enjoy the time i do have with him, but i feel like i'm missing out. any advice? thanks!

Brent and I have decided that we will probably always have a little bit of a “the grass is greener” thinking around each other’s roles.

I, of course, would love nothing more than to spend every day with my children. I miss them most mornings before I ever leave the house. I am so ready to come home in the afternoons and just scoop them up and soak them in before bed time steals them away from me again. Work travel is really hard. Just last week I was in Toronto for two days and it was my first time away from Arlo overnight. (and don’t even get me started on the stress I felt in making sure I had PLENTY of milk for him while I was gone). But there is a lot to be said for the career side of my life too. I love having a fast paced, creative role where I get to work with a lot of people and create and engage with my peers. I think that even if I was able to stay home full time with my children, the urge to work in some capacity (writing, event planning, etc) would be alive and well in me. I don’t think it makes me any less of a mother because I have a strong desire to work. I feel really grateful that in such tough economic times, that I have a job that can help support our family financially.

On the other side of that equation is Brent - and let’s be honest here- there is no way (none. zero) that I could feel like I was pulling this juggling act off with any success without his unwavering support. (I say it all the time - but how do single parents do it? Seriously, I am convinced they are super-human) Brent is my support system, the children’s support system and truly the backbone of our family. There are times when he really worries about how society perceives him. He’s heard people call me his “sugar mama”. There have been those who have made him feel as if his role as a caregiver and not as a breadwinner is something to be looked down upon. It absolutely makes me irate that our society most often views the merits of men’s roles in their families by financial contributions. There isn’t a job or income on the planet that could compare to the time, attention, energy and love that he provides for us each day. He has definitely had to sacrifice parts of his own career in music &  turn down a lot of opportunities because he cares for the children during the week. He is still able to contribute financially through his gigs on the weekends, album sales, royalties, and writing music for independent film/tv projects - but he can’t give it the time and attention that I know he would like to.

Even as we have become happy and comfortable in our roles, there are times when we wish nothing more than to trade places. I come home from work most days and want to just close the door and hunker down with the kids. Brent sometimes is desperate for adult interaction and just wants to pack up the kids and go hang out with our friends for a few hours in the evening. It’s a balancing act and we try very hard to take each other’s needs into account.

On the advice side of things - a few things that help me immensely feel like I am more connected and involved with the kids during the day is calling home at least twice to get an update on what they are doing. Brent sends me texts and photos throughout the day of the fun things they are doing together and it does make me feel a bit bummed that I’m not there, participating - but it also makes me happy to know the kids are having fun and gives me motivation to dig in and get my job done so that I can come home to them. I also try to come home for lunch as many times as possible throughout the week.

(Example: An iphone photo Brent just sent this afternoon of my Dovie at a local park)

Try to focus on all the benefits you are providing for your family while you are away each day and soak up every second of the evenings and weekends when you are home with your little one. Take pride that you and your husband are doing the very best you can to support and love your son.  It isn’t always easy, but it sure is worth it.

Love,

M

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