Dear Baby

Everly has been very sick since Saturday. I keep trying to write the words down and share all the details, but frankly, I just feel mentally exhausted. It started with a flu shot. The same one we gave her last year. It escalated to me calling 911 at 9pm on Saturday night while I screamed at the operator to please hurry in a voice I hope never to come out of my mouth again. Brent  was in the background calling her name over and over again while she laid limp in his arms, eyes rolling back in  her head, drool pouring from her blue lips.

We learned it was a feberile seizure. Something that is apparently fairly common in children who get high fevers.(1 in 5 chilren will get them) A large part of me was relieved that her life was never really in danger, but I am holding on to some very raw, scared feelings from the experience. 

I feel as if Brent and I have had to be parents in a way we have never had to before - to fight back or own tears and put on a smile to calm our scared daughter - to resist the urge to throw up as she endured invasive test after invasive test - to try to function and care for both Everly and Arlo while barely sleeping and totally consumed with worry. I told my dad earlier this week that I have been walking around feeling as if someone has kicked me very hard in the chest.

We are encouraged that the fevers she has had since last Friday are finally gone but she still very much does not feel well. She wants to be held and cuddled a lot and has fits of crying and screaming that are so unlike the happy, vivacious toddler that we know. Night time is especially hard for all of us.

I have a lot of questions as to why this happened. Was it just the flu shot? (If so, why did she not react to the one she got last year?) Was it the flu shot coupled with a virus of some sort? Her doctors feel that due to how long she has had her symptoms, it can’t be the flu shot alone that caused this reaction. I have spoken about my support of vaccinations (albiet a very spread out schedule) for children - but this has shaken me to my core. I always said that I would never forgive myself if my children acquired an illness that I could have prevented with a vaccine - but now I’m standing on the other side of that argument - what if the flu vaccine is the sole reason that my daughter has suffered so much this week?

When we all finally get back to normal, I plan to really sit down and read on both sides of this argument and figure out what we are comfortable with now. I really hesitated sharing the reason behind Everly’s illness as I don’t want to encourage anyone to make a decision on whether or not the flu shot is right for their child based off our experience. For many people, the risk of not getting the flu shot outweighs the chance that they could have a reaction. Everything I am reading is that Everly’s reaction is very much the exception, and not the rule - but I do encourage you to read all of the documentation on the flu shot as it does change every year . In the US, your pediatrician is required by law to give you a copy of this documentation. Each family has unique needs and considerations and no one else can or should make the decision as to what is best for your children.

To fight off the near constant worry that has consumed me this week, I’ve been looking for the silver lining in all of this … and I think there is actually a pretty substantial one. Watching my beautiful daughter have to go through this has been just the thing I needed to put Arlo’s OA diagnosis in perspective. He may not have the best eye sight, but otherwise, he is healthy and happy. More than anything else this week, I have been reminded that nothing else in the entire world matters so long as my children are those two things.

Please continue to keep Everly in your thoughts and prayers as she recovers. I have always joked that she is my “horse”. The one who never gets sick and barrels through anything like it’s no big deal. Now, I am just desperate for my girl to feel better and I will never, ever take her good health for granted again. It has been a very trying few weeks for our family and I am so ready to get back to savoring the sweet moments together.

Love,

M