April 2, 2012
Thoughts on turning another year older.
(Written on Friday, March 30th, 2012. In the middle seat, row 19, on an airplane somewhere in the sky between Dallas, Texas and Raleigh, North Carolina. I was on the way home to see my family on my thirty first birthday.)
I always feel compelled on the occasions of birthdays or anniversaries to try and write down or capture in some way the immediate state of my thoughts. What have I learned in the past 365 days since I celebrated this date? What have I experienced? What have I improved about myself and my life?
The year that has passed between 30 and 31 has been an eventful one for me. I brought a new son into the world. I discovered I knew so much less about parenting than I previously had assumed. I lived a dream like summer of coming and going as my family’s heart desired during 3 months of blissful maternity leave. I think most people who consider themselves my dear friends would agree that they had to work hard at being my friend this year. I sometimes found myself disconnected as the responsibility of juggling a career, a marriage and two children (one of them with various health problems) felt like it gobbled me up for months at a time. I threw myself at the thing I’m most passionate about – my family – at the casualty of a few other great loves in the process. The need to be completely selfless in some aspects of my life caused me to be completely selfish in others. One of my goals for the coming year is to find a better way to balance the two.
As my thirtieth year progressed, I learned I was capable of dealing with far more stress than I thought possible. I learned that my husband takes care of so many little teeny things in my life that add up to one big thing: peace of mind. I fell in love with the gray hairs that have begun to speckle his beard. I wished we had traveled more, and promised myself that next year we will. I learned to never underestimate the curiosity and will of my children. I’m learning we are all capable of far more than the limitations set upon us by others. I’ve grown braver, stronger, less afraid to SPEAK UP. (Which is something I think I write every year, but it’s true- even if it’s happening in baby steps)
I asked for more responsibility at work. I prayed more and found a deeper spirituality in my faith. Brent and I researched, negotiated, and bought a house, completely on our own. I stood in front of the mirror in my underwear and gave myself a hard time about what two children and a challenging year on little sleep has done to me physically. Then I smiled and decided it was worth it. I felt the ache of watching my children grow too fast and the bursting pride in the milestones and accomplishments they conquered with each passing stage.
The greatest lesson I lived this year, was that I have a long way to go to becoming the wife, mother, and friend that I am capable of being. I will always hold on to a handful of struggles but I know my potential is great. So here’s to the gifts and knowledge that came with the passing of another year at life, and to all the possibilities that lie ahead. I lived this past year, through and through (the best parts and the worst) and I hope will all my heart for the opportunity to do it again.
With love,
Melissa
March 26, 2012
One of our greatest pleasures this spring has been the little blooming surprises that have been popping up in our yard in the past few weeks. The first time we laid eyes on our house, it was almost fall and by the time we had decided to buy it and make it officially ours, we were in the middle of the gray, bare winter.
So to watch our yard turn green, yellow daffodils push up through the soil, dogwood trees burst with white and azaleas hanging full of pink blooms has been an unexpected bonus for us.
We spent the laziest weekend as a family. We took naps and folded piles of laundry and watched movies and ran around the yard in our barefeet. I wanted to just lay low and soak up my family before I fly to Dallas tomorrow morning for work. It will be the longest I’ve been away from the children and I started missing them three days ago. Despite knowing their schedules and needs as well (or better) than I do, Brent tolerates my need to make reminder notes. [Please brush Everly’s hair before she goes off to school. Don’t forget to rub Arlo down in Eucerin after his bath] I know, honey Brent says. and he does - but I tell him anyway.
I come home next Friday evening. If my flights take off on time, I’ll get in with just enough time to read Everly a bedtime story. It will be my 31st birthday. I used to love big parties, balloons, a dozen friends and a night on the town to celebrate the occasion. I know it sounds cliche but as I’ve grown older, I’ve found so much contentment in just enjoying the gifts I have. A little house blossoming in spring, a husband who handles a week on his own with two small children with grace and confidence, and the promise of a bedtime story with my best girl when I get home.
Love,
M
March 24, 2012
Everly Says...
- Dot Dot: Everly, did you cheer for NC State last night?
- Everly: Yes
- Dot Dot: Do you want to be a NC State cheerleader one day?
- Everly: No. A tooth doctor.
Everly Says...
- Sarah: Everly, what's in your little suitcase?
- Everly: A cookie sandwich & a monster
March 23, 2012
The Hardest Part.
Everly asked me if she could drive us to the store the other day. I smiled (with relief!) as I said back to her, “Well kiddo, you’ve got 14 more years before you are allowed behind the wheel of a car.”
One of my biggest challenges as a mother is keeping my tendency to worry in check. Parenting has made me hyper aware of all of the risks and dangers of the world in a way I never could have expected before having children. Sometimes I long for the naive peace of mind I had as a young woman who only had to look out for her herself.
After I gave birth to Everly, I suddenly found myself dealing with these overwhelming, mama-bear tendencies. I battled a rough case of postpartum anxiety for a few months and viewed every thing and everyone as a possible threat to my new baby. I found myself often clenching my entire body when she was in someone else’s arms, trying to look normal while my insides screamed “GIVE HER BACK!” I had nightmares and gruesome visions about the things that could potentially harm her and it took me months to find a way to live a normal day-in-day-out life with this monsterous, newfound protector role I’d found myself in.
I’ve learned to manage the anxiety as time went by and I settled into being a mother. The anxiety I felt during and immediately after my pregnancy with Arlo was significantly less than it was with Everly. I’ve learned to channel it in a lot of ways and I’m constantly having an internal dialogue with myself about if my worries are reasonable and appropriate.
Things that fill my thoughts on a regular basis: My kids choking or drowning ( I had scary personal experiences with both of those as a child). The possibility of one of them getting outside and being accidently run over. (due to a story I once saw on the news about a family who lost their 3 year old son that way. The sound of the father’s voice as he screamed his son’s name on the 911 call will never leave me). Protecting my children from sexual predators. And even though we are responsible gun owners, I worry if other homes they go to may have guns and if they are locked up appropriately. Pretty traumatic stuff to fill my head with, right?
But I’m very conscious of keeping it in check enough so that it doesn’t trickle down and effect the children negatively. I’m determined to raise independent kids who approach new situations and experiences with curiosity and interest. I don’t want to instill fear in them of the the “what ifs” that weigh on me. I’m constantly trying to find a balance in educating my brave Everly about things that could potential be dangerous for her (i.e. jumping off the bed with a stick in her mouth, opening the door and going outside alone, reaching for something on top of a hot stove) and encouraging her to explore,and be independent and confident. It is such uncharted territory to explain these things to a toddler. I find myself choosing each word I use with her carefully - trying to help her understand the need to be cautious without scaring her.
Thankfully, my partner in parenthood is much more levelheaded and relaxed about these issues. Brent, for the most part, is the perfect yin to my yang. He helps me talk through things that worry me and offers suggestions on how to keep the kids safe in a reasonable manner (If you’re worried about EV pulling a dresser over on herself when she climbs, let’s buy furniture straps and attach it to the wall. If you keep feeling stressed about the kids getting outside, let’s price out the cost of having a gate built on the front porch.) I also have learned to lean on my faith. I ask the Lord to help me protect them and do my best to hand over the burdens of my heart to Him. I am trying so hard to be comfortable with the fact that there will always be so much in life that is completely out of my control. Let it go, let it go, let it go.
I will always battle these worries. I work every single day to let my children go a little bit. I’m determined to not let my concerns cloud the beauty of watching them discover the world. I can miss out on (or prevent) a lot of their joy, if I don’t keep it in check. I’m never completely successful and I will always hold a little knot in my throat whenever they are out of my arms reach - but I’m getting better at it all the time. By the time they are teenagers and the real tests to my ability to let them go begin (driving! dating! peer pressures!) I’m hopeful I’ll have learned to get good and comfortable with my worries and put them in a place where they don’t clutter my head.
It’s an unexpected side effect of the overwhelming love I’ve found in motherhood - My daily demon. But I’m working it out and finding a way to not let my anxiety lead my life. We can give our children love. We can take reasonable steps to protect them. We can do our best to teach them right from wrong. And then we have to step back, swallow down that familiar lump in our throats, and let life happen.
It’s the hardest part of parenting.
Love,
M
{Added Note: Upon review of the photo above- We were “pretend” driving. We go on imaginary trips to Florida and the ice cream shop. Sometimes Everly drives. Sometimes I do. Anxiety mama would NEVER let her kids ride in a moving car without carseats.}
March 21, 2012
2 Little Stories
Big Girl Activities.
We are trying to give Everly more independence.Putting her in a montessori preschool has made us realize that she can do a whole lot more on her own than sometimes we gave her credit for. So lately, we’ve been letting her have some personal time either in her room or in the playroom (both places are super kid friendly/safe) without us constantly checking in. Last week, while Brent was putting Arlo down for a nap, he left Everly in the playroom to entertain herself. Little did he know that she had stashed some “supervised only” materials in a back corner cabinet and pulled them out once he was gone. She decided to decorate her legs and the top of her head with an ink pen as well as break playdough into a bunch of little bits all over the room. She was quite proud of her work. It tooks days to get the pen off of her skin and was a good reminder to us that while she may be ready for a little alone play, she’s still a typical two year old when it comes to making messes.
Lemon Proof Babies.
It seems a right of passage that somewhere around 8-10 months old, someone in every family finds it funny to hand their unsuspecting baby a lemon and laugh at their reaction. Just last week I saw videos of this very thing from my friend Rachel’s twins and my neice, Kennedy. We gave Everly a lemon when she was a baby, and she licked it, pulled it out to inspect it, and then just went back to chomping on it like it as a delicious treat (To this day, she will eat them like candy!). Last week, we decided to pull a fast one on Arlo and let him have a taste. We waited in giddy anticipation for his face to pucker up but instead, he followed in his sister’s footsteps and nibbled on the lemon as if it was a refreshing appetizer while he waited for the main course. WHAT THE WHAT? Apparently we produce lemon proof babies and any wild dreams we might have carried in our hearts of getting on America’s Funniest Home Videos with a scrunchy lemon face baby have forever been dashed. Sigh.
Love,
M
March 20, 2012
The Rundown. 26 months & 10 months
Stats:
Everly- You weigh 25 lbs 2 ounces, and are 35 inches tall. While the majority of your body has remained petite, you’ve recently grown this amazing, round little potbelly. It makes me giggle to no end to see you arch your back and poke it out. Apparently, such epic baby bellies run in daddy’s side of the family as your aunt Katie’s was famous for her baby belly when she was your age. You’re in an in between size with your clothes and I have the hardest time lately trying to figure out what size you wear. In pants you are still in 18 months, but in tops you need a 2t (to cover that belly, of course!). 24 month dresses are usually too big but 18 month dresses can be too tight. Your petite little feet are still in a size 5 and haven’t changed much for the past few months. Also, your hair has really started to grow! You’ve recently decided you are willing to wear pony & pig tails and you’ll let me brush your wild hair!
Arlo- Well, well buddy - this is the most fun stats update I’ve had to write on you in some time. Since your surgery 19 days ago, you’ve gained 1 pound and 5 ounces!!! I mean, that is AMAZING stuff! You now weigh 19 lbs, 4 ounces and are 29 inches long. Suddenly, all of those clothes that have fit you for months and months are busting at the seams! I can’t wait to see how fast you shoot back up on the growth chart now that your heart is functioning like it should. Your sweet little strawberry blonde locks are continuing to grow and your hair is super curly in the back. You are wearing a 2.5 shoe.
Read More
March 19, 2012
Work Clothes/Play Clothes
Work Clothes.
If my hair is in a ponytail, you can guarantee that my morning was pure chaos. This was most definitely one of those crazy rush-rush mornings when I was trying to get out of the house on time. Consider this a rare bird photo, because it usually feels like the most absurd thing ever to be hustling to get dressed and out the door and then stopping to say “Hey honey, can you take some pictures of my outfit?” Brent gave me a look on this particular morning like, You know how ridiculous you sound right now? (but he kindly obliged anyway) Most of the time, I try to snap these photos over lunch or when I get home for that very reason.
Black shrug: Forever21
Lace top: Lovely in Lace blouse c/o Francesca’s Collections
Pants: J Brand
Shoes: MIA
Bag: c/o Francesca’s Collections. After carrying around the same handbag for 8 months, I finally got a new one! I’m not a handbag girl, so I will use the same old ratty bag for way longer than I should.
Work Clothes.
Oh, how I love this dress. When Arlo was about 4 months old, I was telling Brent one day that I missed being able to do some of the weekend activities I did before we were juggling two children. Specifically, browsing at the flea market & vintage stores. Brent suggested that we put the kids in the car during their nap time and we’d drive around until they fell asleep. “You can go stroll through the flea market & vintage stores by yourself and I’ll hang out with them in the car” I was excited! We pulled up to the Raleigh flea market and I hopped out quietly while both kiddos snoozed in the back. I strolled slowly through the first row of vendors and stopped 3/4 of the way down at a vendor who had a rack of beautiful vintage dresses. I picked up the first dress when my phone rang. It was Brent with a screaming Arlo in the background. “He woke up and he won’t take a paci. I think he wants to nurse” he said. I quickly asked the lady running the booth how much for the dress. “Eight dollars” she said. I held it up, determined it looked about my size, handed her the money and hustled back to the car. I never made it through the rest of the market or to the vintage shops that day, but I considered myself lucky to have scored this gorgeous little dress that fit perfectly for a great price and my thrifting urge was fulfilled for a little longer. Another reason why I love this dress: whenever I put it on, Everly instructs me to “Twirl mama! Twirl!”
Dress: Vintage
Cardigan: c/o Francesca’s Collections
Shoes: I bought them when I was 9 months pregnant with Dovie from a little boutique in Noe Valley, SF.
Work Clothes.
I was kind of brave to wear a tank top to work, but it was a gorgeous, warm Friday and I decided to take the “casual” in casual Friday to the next level. This outfit was really simple, but I felt cool and put together. The shoes seal the deal on this outfit. I love them!
Tank: Moonlight Solace Top c/o Francesca’s Collections
Jeans: Levis skinny legging jeans (I’ve become a big fan of their skinny cut jeans!)
Shoes: Tobi.com
Sunglasses: Betsey Johnson
Play Clothes.
I am on the hunt for every pair of fun little shorts I can get my hands on. I don’t really wear jean shorts that often but I love all of the funky patterened & brightly colored styles that are coming out this spring. They’re more versatile for mamahood than skirts but are still playful and on trend. Also, just as I predicted on my last WCPC post, I’ve decided to grow my bangs out again (hence the oddly bobby-pinned bangs I’m sporting here). I am the most fickle bang wearer of all time.
Top: Forever21
Shorts: tobi.com
Shoes: DSW
Play Clothes.
I don’t think that jeans and a t-shirt are really supposed to be on a “fashion” post, but this is what a lot of my weekend wear looks like. We were heading out to grab a quick bite to eat when Brent snapped this picture. I’m kind of bummed I don’t have any photos of me with Everly in this set, but any of you out there with a two year old can attest to the impossible nature of trying to get them to stay in one place long enough to make it happen. My baby girl may love clothes, but she could careless about indulging mama in a little pose-off on the front porch. I figure I’ve got a few short months left until Arlo is over it too, so better take advantage while I can!
T-shirt: via Fab.com (Raise your hand if you are also a big Dirty Dancing fan. I’ve seen it no less than 100 times since I was a little girl. Patrick Swayze was my first crush ever!)
Striped tank: Target
Jeans: Levis skinny jean leggings
Wedges: MIA (last season)
Sunglasses: Tobi.com
March 16, 2012
a family
There was a day
when I was an equation of one.
and you were the same.
each of us spinning, individually in our own worlds.
and then, we collided with the force of a thousand stars.
the sparks, oh they flew.
lighting fires everywhere they fell.
and then we were two, together.
the moon and the tide.
you became the thing i knew best.
and it filled our lungs and bodies and hearts until there were no more crevices left to reach
and she became of the excess
brown eyes and a brave heart
and the spillover of all our new found purpose and love
handed us a baby boy too.
fate just plunked him down in our arms
and we looked at each other and at them with dizzy amazement
(and a little disbelief)
It started from something so small.
two individuals in their own worlds
until a crash created a life
It’s hard to believe sometimes
that we made all of this
that we were one, then two, then three and now four.
a family.
Love,
M
March 15, 2012
It’s a busy day, so I’m going to keep this short. But look! The dove and I are shoe twins again. (here’s another post on the same subject) I’m starting to realize that I subconsciously buy her the mini toddler version of most of my favorite shoes.
I’m sure you’ll all be happy to know that I do not, however, own a matching pair of the gold lame leggings she is wearing in this photo. You have to draw the line somewhere, you know?
Love,
M
Mama’s shoes: Big Buddha
Everly’s shoes: Cienta kids
